The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward
by Daniel H. Pink. This was indeed an interesting learning experience. I have previously read his bestsellers A Whole New Mind, Drive, and When. Daniel is truly a great writer.
For this book Daniel actually launched two research projects, The American Regret Project and The World Regret Survey that collected the regrets of more than 20,000 people from the US and around the world. Pink then categorized these regrets into four core areas—foundation, boldness, moral, and connection regrets—and in the process has shown us what a life well-lived looks like by comparison.
Daniel is certainly establishes why regret is so misunderstood. He writes how how we can learn to use regret to our advantage. In addition, he shares the most common regrets people have. Finally, he teaches us how to become productive when confronting regret.
So, should you regret saying “I have no regrets” to family, friends, and co-workers? Instead, Daniel begins the book with people from across the globe sharing their stories of getting a “no regrets” tattoo for everyone to see. Yet maybe we should think twice about that tattoo as he reveals the tattoo removal industry is a very lucrative profession since the removal costs as much as ten times more than getting inked in the first place.
However, Daniel also addresses issues we confront when we do not handle regret correctly. These misfirings can certainly end up contributing to poor decision making.
In addition, Daniel shares how common this can be. For example, students will regret changing an answer on a test. Yet, research certainly reveals these changes result in a correct answer. Daniel identifies in Part Two Regret Reveals four categories of regrets:
Chapter 7 – Foundation Regrets:
Foundation regrets arise from our failures of foresight and conscientiousness. In addition, like all deep structure regrets, they start with a choice. Instead, at some early moment we face a series of decisions. Foundation regrets sound like this: If only I’d done the work.
Chapter 8 – Boldness Regrets:
Boldness regrets are the counterpart of Foundational Regrets. They certainly arise from the failure to take full advantage of that platform—to use it as a springboard into a richer life. In fact, sometimes boldness regrets emerge from an accumulation of decisions and indecisions, while other times they erupt from a single moment. Boldness regrets sound like this: If only I’d taken that risk.
Chapter 9 – Moral Regrets:
Moral regrets involve a wider set of values. For instance, we may find ourselves with a choice to treat someone with care or to harm them. Thus the choice is to follow the rules or to ignore them. Sometimes, we’re faced in addition with the option of remaining loyal to a group or betraying it, respecting certain people or institutions or disobeying them, preserving the sacred or desecrating it. Moral regrets sound like this: If only I’d done the right thing.
Chapter 10 – Connection Regrets:
Connection regrets are the largest category in the deep structure of human regret. In addition, they arise from relationships that have come undone or that remain incomplete. The types of relationships that produce these regrets vary in addition to Spouses, Partners, Parents, Children, Siblings, Friends, and Colleagues. The nature of the rupture also varies. Some relationships may fray. Others will be ripped apart. In addition, a few were inadequately stitched from the beginning. But in every case, these regrets share a common plot line. A relationship that was once intact, or that ought to have been intact, no longer is. Connection regrets sound like this: If only I’d reached out.
Regret going to Medical School?
This also certainly speaks to many of those recollections we confront. Even those same family, friends, and co-workers who at times were expressing regret at their career choices for example. In addition, the regret of not chasing their dream (or the dreams of their parents) actually may not have turned out better for them. So then, I think it is fair to say we have all been in that situation. We see this confronting everyone regardless of age, origin or background:
…he planned to become a doctor—just like all four of his grandparents. His grades were strong. The only step that remained was the Medical College Admission Test (MCAT). But, as Kevin explained almost a decade later, he procrastinated “so badly on studying for my MCAT that I bombed the test and ended up not getting into medical school.
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Instead, without first hand experience can anyone be 100 percent confident they would have actually regretted this decision? Instead, Daniel’s real message is focusing simply on gratitude. Focus on what you have, making the best of your current situation, and planning for the future. Of course, there are common regrets like not spending ‘enough’ time with family and friends.
The thrill of defeat and the agony of victory
In chapter three Daniel clearly defines the common understanding of regret. The olympic podium often reveals the bronze medalist is the happier than the silver medalist. He shares researcher from Cornell University, and the University of Toledo. In fact, by collecting videos of three dozen silver and bronze medalists, researchers ‘rated’ the facial expressions at the medal ceremony. In contrast, the average rating of the facial expressions of bronze medalists was 7.1. But silver medalists were rated only 4.8. Why? Counterfactuals:
The average rating of the facial expressions of bronze medalists was 7.1. But silver medalists—people who’d just placed second in the most elite competition in the world—were neutral, even tilting slightly toward unhappy. Their rating: 4.8.
The reason, researchers concluded, was counterfactual thinking.
Counterfactuals can point in either of two directions—down or up. With “downward counterfactuals,” we contemplate how an alternative could have been worse. They prompt us to say “At least . . .” —-as in, “Sure, I got a C+ on that exam, but at least I passed the course and don’t have to take it again.”
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Confronting Regrets
Above all, at the close of this book Daniel provides a series of solutions to help us all confront regret including these three brief steps:
1. self-disclosure: relive and relieve
2. self-compassion: normalize and neutralize
3. self-distancing: analyze and strategize
You certainly need to read the solutions Daniel provides. There is even more to learn from his closing chapters. In conclusion, Daniel is delivering a powerful book addressing a human condition in a scientific and academic delivery. This is a must read for everyone.
Can you tell that I certainly enjoyed Daniel’s book?